


The Bad Guy in Good Guy Clothes

by MissMR



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, but so does bellamy, clarke is suicidal, murphy saves clarke, red sun, what if 6x02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23418376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMR/pseuds/MissMR
Summary: “Cut deep. Do it now,” her mom shouted through the radio.With her eyes shut and her head held up, she pressed the sharp point into her throat. This was it. She had to sever the carotid artery is she wanted to keep them all safe.“Tell Madi I love her.” Clarke cried. She wasn’t sure if she was telling her mom or Murphy, but she needed Madi to know Clarke loved her.The knife broke through skin. Clarke felt the blood trickle down her neck, but before she could follow through with the motion, she was dropping to the ground with a searing pain sweeping through her leg.(Or, what if Clarke hadn't snapped out of the hallucination of the red sun toxins.)
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 237





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Every single time I watch Red Sun Rising (6x02), I always think about what would have happened if Clarke couldn't snap out of hallucinating. Like in 6x13 where Madi snaps out of Sheidheda's control when Clarke threatens to kill herself, I think Bellamy would have possibly snapped out of his own hallucination if he saw Clarke trying to kill herself. So, I thought why not write it.

Clarke held the knife to her throat because her mom’s voice came through the radio telling her she was a threat to everyone she cared about, and Clarke being permanently gone was the only way to truly keep them all safe.

Safe from her.

Safe from the danger.

She gripped the hilt of the knife until her knuckles were white, and the tip dug into her skin. If she added a little more pressure, the blade would pierce through and draw blood. A quick heavy swipe across her throat would stop her from doing any more harm to everyone she loved.

She needed to be stopped.

Her eyes squeezed shut. This was it. Everyone would be safe.

But then the door opened and shut, and she turned to see Murphy aiming a gun at her. He tried to convince her that what she was hearing wasn’t real because there wasn’t an indicator light, tried to stop her from slicing her own throat with a threat of a bullet in her leg, but she couldn’t believe him not when she was also the bad guy in his mind. This would be good for him. He should let her do it because then he would be safe from her. She wouldn’t be able to hurt him again. She didn’t want to hurt him again, or anyone else she and he cared about. 

This was what needed to be done.

“Cut deep. Do it now,” her mom shouted through the radio, and Clarke had to listen.

With her eyes shut and her head held up, she pressed the sharp point into her throat. This was it. She had to sever the carotid artery if she wanted to keep them all safe. 

“Tell Madi I love her.” Clarke cried. She wasn’t sure if she was telling her mom or Murphy, but she needed Madi to know one last time.

The knife broke through skin. Clarke felt the blood trickle down, but before she could follow through with the motion, she was dropping to the ground with a searing pain sweeping through her leg.

“Fuck, Clarke.” There was a clatter, and then Murphy was rushing over to her, throwing the knife out of her reach as he crouched down. “I had to stop you.”

“Murphy!” Clarke heard Bellamy yell from somewhere in the compound, and it was only a matter of time before he followed the sound of the gunshot and found them.

“Shit,” Murphy mumbled. “We have to move. Can you walk?”

Clarke had applied pressure to the gunshot wound on the outside of her thigh. It didn't seem like the bullet hit the femoral artery, but there was enough blood and enough pain to remind her she was shot. She wasn’t sure if she could walk, but she knew that she had to try. For them, but really for Bellamy. Murphy had saved her, and now they needed to save Bellamy.

So, she nodded because there wasn’t a choice to stay.

Murphy helped her up. Clarke slung the backpack over one shoulder and her free arm over Murphy’s shoulder, and Murphy pulled her with him as they went to find a new place to figure out a plan to save Bellamy because Clarke couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to him because she was hallucinating.

The plan was for Murphy to approach Bellamy and try to talk some sense into him, and Clarke would come from behind and subdue all of them with the sleeping gas. But when she opened the backpack for the canister, the radio was there with the red light on. 

This had to be real.

She listened as her mom told her she was a cancer to them all. All cancers do was cause pain, and it was all she had ever done. She had to cut it out, she had to cut herself out of all the lives of the people she loved to protect them from her.

From the distance, she could see Murphy and Bellamy talking. She knew she needed to stay focus, but her mom’s voice was too overpowering. She couldn't block out her mom telling her she needed to put everyone out of their misery.

And, her mom was right.

She was part of the reason they all had to leave Earth. She was the reason Monty and Harper died without their family next to them. She was the reason they were on this new planet that was releasing toxins that made them want to hurt each other.

No, that wasn’t right. Her mom had said she was the toxin. She was the reason they were all in this situation and in danger yet again.

She heard Murphy yell her name, and she looked up from the radio to see Bellamy and Murphy fighting. She was meant to come in now and use the gas, but her mom wouldn’t stop talking to her.

“Shut up,” she shrieked at the radio. “Shut up!”

Both Murphy and Bellamy looked at her, but she couldn’t pay much attention to them not while her mom was still trying to convince her that she was the problem.

“Do it now. Put us out of our misery!” her mom commanded.

Once again, Clarke held the knife to her throat. They needed to be safe, and she was the cancer. She needed to keep them safe, and this was the only way. She felt the blood before she felt the pain.

“Finish what you started, Clarke.”

She would. And just like she did before, Clarke closed her eyes and held up her head so she could have a clear path with a single slash.

“Clarke.”

Her name sounded sweet. Not rash and thrown around like her mother just said. Or harsh and annoyed like Murphy had said when he found her.

No, her name was being spoken with a softness that she hadn’t heard in so long.

Her eyes fluttered open, but she didn’t move the knife away from her skin.

Bellamy stood in front of her with his eyes wide and his hands held up, and Murphy stood just a few feet behind him. She didn’t understand why they were here, why they were trying to stop her. Why didn’t they see she was doing this for them? All she has ever done was cause them pain, and she couldn’t do it any longer.

“Don’t do it, Clarke,” Bellamy pleaded with her.

She felt tears slide down her cheeks, and when she met his eyes, she saw the wetness that matched hers. She should look away before she changed her mind. Clarke didn’t want to leave him, but more than anything she needed him to be safe.

It was the only way.

“You’ll be safe. All of you will.” Clarke pushed the knife deeper, and cried out. “It’s the only way,” she whispered to herself and snapped her eyes shut.

She was ready.

But before she could make the cut, she felt the force of something heavy on her, and someone yanking the blade out of her hand. Her eyes shot open in time to see Bellamy throwing the knife into the distance, and Clarke couldn’t stop the sob that raked through her body.

The warmth of Bellamy encased her, but she still heard the voice of her mom.

“I’m cancer. You guys will all die because of me.” She tried to shove Bellamy away, to get to where he had thrown the knife. “I have to do it. I can’t let Madi die.” Her eyes met Bellamy’s. He had tears sticking to his eyelashes.

He was in pain because of her.

“I can’t let you die.”

Bellamy took Clarke’s face in between his hands. “I can’t lose you, again. It would kill me, Clarke.”

She shook her head and tried to pull away, but Bellamy closed his arms around her and held her tightly against his body. She felt safe, but that only meant he wouldn't be if she continued to breathe.

“I’m cancer. I have to cut it out.” She pushed against his chest, but Bellamy held her closer.

“No, you aren’t,” Bellamy whispered against her skin, and Clarke felt his lips brush against her forehead. “I need you.”

But she was still thrashing around in his arms despite the pain that was radiating up from her leg. She needed to get to the knife.

“I have to do it. Let me do it.”

“I can’t. I won’t live without you again. Now, Murphy!”

The next thing Clarke knew she was falling to the ground still wrapped in Bellamy’s arms as the sleeping gas engulfed them.


	2. Let Me Forgive You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What happened today?” he asked.
> 
> Clarke knew he was looking at her, but she couldn’t look at him yet.
> 
> “Well, you saved me,” she said so matter of factly because she wasn’t ready to talk about what it was that he was really asking.
> 
> “From yourself, Clarke. You tried to kill yourself.” There was a rawness in his voice almost like the reality of it dawned on him for the first time since the toxin had worn off. “You kept calling yourself a cancer. I just want to understand. Help me understand.”
> 
> (Or, Clarke has to deal with the aftermath of the red sun toxins.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I really didn't plan on writing a second part to this. It was only meant to be a one-shot of Clarke not being able to come out of a hallucination. I so wished it would have happened in the show. I think things would have changed. For one, the primes would no right away that Clarke was a nightblood. Anyways, I didn't think people would request a second part, but they did and I want to avoid my homework until the last possible minute. So, here is a second part.

The touch of her mom and the sound of her voice was what woke Clarke, and her eyes flickered open. When she tried to sit up, she felt the weight of an arm around her and an insufferable sharp pain rocketed up her leg, and she couldn’t swallow back her groan.

Everything came rushing back.

Her trying to cut her own throat. Murphy shooting her in the leg. She and Murphy trying to save Bellamy. Her trying to cut her throat again. Bellamy and Murphy saving her.

Her eyes casted on Bellamy just in time to see him stirring awake.

Questions were being thrown around, but Clarke was too dizzy to focus long enough to answer. She knew she lost blood, but she didn’t think it was enough to make her feel the effects of blood loss.

“Clarke?” Someone touched her arm, and she tried to focus on Bellamy, but he was fading away. “Are you okay?”

She couldn’t answer. Her eyes rolled back, and she was falling into oblivion. She waited for the impact of the ground to come, but it never did.

The next time Clarke came to she was no longer outside or on the ground. She was on something hard, and she could hear the voices of her people as they argued. She wanted to open her eyes, but she couldn’t find the energy to, not when more problems awaited her the moment she did.

The only time she thought about opening them was when she heard Bellamy ask why she hadn’t woken up. There was anguish in his voice, and she hated being the reason he was in pain. Her mom had to assure him she would, but it would take time.

Then she heard someone voice concern for her that she never thought would.

“I can’t believe I did this to her,” Murphy had said.

She didn’t want Murphy to blame himself. If he hadn’t stopped her, Clarke wouldn’t be here right now. Someone needed to tell him this. Clarke would, but she was too embarrassed to open her eyes.

“You saved her, Murphy.”

“So did you.”

A hand brushed through her hair, and it brought a warmth of familiarity.

“I couldn’t lose her, not again.”

“I know, man.”

The hand was still in her hair, and she hoped it wouldn’t leave because she knew who it belonged to. Bellamy had done the same thing when he found her tied and gagged after Mount Weather, and again before Praimfaya hit.

Bellamy would want to talk about what happened during the sun red, and maybe Murphy would too. But that would have to wait because a man was entering the room and being introduced as a prime named Russell, and she listened as Bellamy stood up and took the role of the leader of their people.

Then things shifted, and a group of her people was being sent on a mission to bring the transport ship into the compound. Clarke didn’t like the idea of them leaving without her, so she groaned to let them know she was _waking_ _up_.

“I’m coming with.” She sat up, and the room spun.

“Clarke, no,” Bellamy rushed to her side and stopped her from moving anymore. “You were just shot. You’re not going anywhere.”

Clarke sighed, but she understood. She would only slow them down.

“Who’s going?”

“Me, Raven, Echo, and Octavia,” Bellamy said. “Everyone else is going to stay. We’ll be okay.”

Clarke gazed dropped to the ground and gave a subtle nod.

She only let her eye met Bellamy’s when he grabbed her shoulder, and she saw how the white in his eyes had a tint of red. She hoped she wasn’t the cause of that, but she knew she was.

“Can we talk when I get back?” Again, she nodded, and he nodded back.

She watched Raven walk out first and Octavia and Echo were right behind. Bellamy had lingered back for a moment before following them out, but then her mom was stopping him by the door. She couldn’t hear from where she was, but she was able to see Bellamy’s eyes enlarge and then immediately looked to her. She couldn’t hear what her mom was saying, but it couldn’t have been anything good.

Then Murphy sat in a chair at the table she was still sitting on.

“Clarke,” he said her name with a similar softness Bellamy had, but it didn’t ring the same.

His eyes darted to where her leg was wrapped before he met hers. “I’m sorry.”

Clarke placed her hand on his and squeezed.

“It’s not your fault, Murphy.”

He wanted to save her from herself, and he did. He didn’t need to apologize when she felt like she had more to apologize for.

If this was the talk Murphy wanted to have, it was easy. A few words exchanged and done, but they were never much for talking or liking each other. Murphy saved her out of obligation, but Clarke wasn’t sure to who.

The man named Russell came back and talks to her about her blood and said something about it being royal, and he offered them sanctuary in their compound. And then proceeded to show too much interest in finding out if anyone else has the same blood alteration, so Clarke lied and said she was the only one.

She needed to protect Madi.

Hours pass as she and her people waited in the tavern for their people to come back. She ignored Murphy’s scrutinizing stares and tried to block out the sound of her mom’s voice. She wanted to be alone, but Bellamy would be back wanting to talk. So, she waited with everyone else.

The door was being shoved open again, and she expected to only see the same four people that left to walk back in. Instead, Madi was rushing in and barreling into Clarke. She wanted to be upset they kept this from her, but she couldn’t with Madi in her arms.

And, when Clarke looked over Madi’s shoulder, there Bellamy was watching them with his lips pursed together. She wanted to ask what had happened, but Madi had too many questions about the wrap around her thigh and the bandage on her throat, and she wasn’t sure how to tell Madi she did it to keep her safe from the monster Clarke knew she was. So, Clarke told Madi she couldn’t remember and blamed it on the red sun toxins making her forget.

Then Gaia was stealing Madi away from her to train a little more, and Clarke was left alone. Her people were being assigned rooms, and her mom was ordering her to rest with her leg propped up. So, when Bellamy had come looking for her, she couldn’t run away.

“I was hoping we could talk now.”

And, even though Clarke didn’t want to, she told him to come in.

“Thank you for bringing Madi to me.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.”

Bellamy glanced at the chair in the corner and moved it closer to Clarke before he sat. 

“What happened today?” he asked.

Clarke knew he was looking at her, but she couldn’t look at him yet.

“Well, you saved me,” she said so matter of factly because she wasn’t ready to talk about what it was that he was really asking about.

“From yourself, Clarke. You tried to kill yourself.” There was a rawness in his voice almost like the reality of it dawned on him for the first time since the toxin had worn off. “You kept calling yourself a cancer. I just want to understand. Help me understand.”

Clarke adjusted herself and winced under the movement, and she was reminded yet again of the reason why she was in pain and the words she heard her mom’s voice speak.

She was a threat to everyone.

She held a knife to her throat.

She was going to kill herself. 

“My mom. Well, I thought it was my mom talking to me. She was telling me that everyone I care about gets hurt or dies because of me, and the only way to keep everyone safe was to, to,” Clarke tried to finish the sentence, but she couldn’t.

Her hand came up to touch the bandage on her throat that covered the stitches, but Bellamy stopped her by closing both of his around hers.

“Do you remember the day trip we took to look for the bunker Jaha thought would help us?” Clarke suddenly asked him.

His eyebrows scrunched up, but he didn’t look away from her. He gave her a quick nod telling her he did, and all Clarke could think was good because she did too.

It was the turning point in their relationship. It was the night they came together as co-leaders and friends. It was the night Clarke realized she needed him. For the camp, for herself.

“That night you said you were a monster, but Bellamy the truth is, I’m the monster. Everything I did before Praimfaya. Everything I did once you guys came back. To you, especially you. Everything that Murphy said when we were chained up in the room. I really am the bad guy.”

She was crying now, and Bellamy tightened his hold on her hand.

“I’m going to tell you the same thing you told me when I needed it most.” He brought her hand closer to his mouth and ran one thumb over her knuckles. “If you need forgiveness, I’ll give it to you, Clarke. You’re forgiven, okay? For everything you think you need forgiveness for, I’ll give that to you.”

She scoffed. “It doesn’t work like that.”

“But it does. You’re punishing yourself for everything you needed to do to survive and to keep everyone alive.”

“Not when I left you in Polis,” she sniffled.

“Clarke,” he whispered her name, and Clarke shook her head.

He continued to stroke her knuckles, and she reveled in the feeling of his soothing touch.

“What I did, leaving you like that. I’m so sorry, Bellamy.”

Tears slid down her cheeks, and Bellamy let go of her hand, but only for a moment, to wipe them away.

“I know what it’s like to risk everything for one person. I know Madi’s your family.”

Clarke tried to move closer to him, fighting through the pain that radiated through her leg. She cupped his hands with hers and gazed into his eyes.

“You’re my family, too. I lost sight of that, but I promise I’ll never forget it again.” More tears prickled Clarke’s eyes, and a watery smile slipped onto her lips. “You’re too important to me.”

He said her name again, but this time it was filled with an earnestness that electrified something inside of her. She didn't think she ever heard her name spoken like that before. He moved from sitting in the chair to Clarke’s bed. It simultaneously happened so fast and slow, and Clarke was having trouble wrapping her head around what he was doing. But then Bellamy was wrapping his arms around her and a gasp escaped from Clarke as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

It was what she needed to feel the forgiveness she had desperately craved. There was the matter of still talking to the rest of her people. But being in Bellamy’s arms, she knew she had forgiveness from the one person she needed it from most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I tried to bring in two of my favorite bellarke moments. Maybe I'll continue to add to this.  
> Anyways, I hoped you enjoyed it! Leave comments and kudos they really do make my day. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Kudos and comments make my day!


End file.
